Tag: film

I am writing this during Christmastide, a good time to remember that if you are in an estrangement you are not alone. As I considered this summary installment, a jewel of an inspiration for our conclusion appeared in a 2019 holiday movie– Last Christmas, with screenplay by Emma Thompson and Bryony Kimmings. The starring actors are Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding, Emma Thompson, and Michelle Yeoh. It probably is categorized in the Christmas romantic comedy genre… but I think it is much more than that. The beginning is a little rough, not the typical romantic comedy, because Clarke’s character Kate is experiencing so many self-imposed hardships. Romantic comedies are supposed to be feel-good, right?

It really was not until the conclusion of the movie that I realized that it was a microcosm of estrangement and (mini-spoiler-alert) resolution. (Not much of a spoiler alert, because it is, after all, a Christmas romantic comedy, and you know it has to work itself out eventually, right?)

There is so very much in this movie to perfectly illustrate, in movie-fashion, many of the various elements of estrangement that we have discussed. It is lovely because initially Kate seems quite unaware of the nature of the mess she is in, and as the movie progresses, the viewer, and she, get a better sense of the various historical factors and interactions contributing to her current actions, those of others, and how the interactions have created her various estrangements. The nature of her insights and how she deals with them are what make the movie.

I am not going to spoil the movie for you. I know that life does not work itself out in the timeframe of a full-length movie; I know that many estrangements do not have happy endings in the fairy-tale way that we often wish would occur. But I do think there are cues in this movie that we can carry with us to hope for resolutions for our relationships and for ourselves, as they are possible, and those I can share with you:

• Have a measure of humility and, if possible, willingness for insights, no matter how difficult. It is hard to admit when we have made mistakes and to take ownership of those mistakes. Self-awareness can help us grow, and discussing our shortcomings during conflict resolution also gives permission for others to do the same.
• Do your best to see beyond the estranged person’s current or past behavior that has come between you. Expanding beyond your hurt to see possibilities impacting the other’s behavior to understand their story and perspective can help you. You may find a broader understanding of the person, which can lead to feelings of compassion and empathy and open paths of communication you did not previously see and consider.
• In light of the above considerations, think of, and perhaps try, different ways of interacting with the situation or person(s) involved, using shifted expectations to try to get a different level or quality of interaction between the two of you.
• Do your best to get out of your head, which can cause you to just look inward and engage in self-pity. If you stay in a victim position, your thoughts and actions will worsen your situation. Help others, show compassion, be kind, find a passion in giving of your time to others (with appropriate boundaries, of course!)
• Be willing to ask for help and to discuss your sadness, concerns, or doubts with someone you trust, including trained professionals. These steps can facilitate your self-awareness, help you learn to articulate what you are feeling, encourage self-forgiveness, and allow for expanded insight.

Do take into consideration all the caveats we covered in earlier installments of this series, including need for self-protection and boundaries.

Christians, and everyone, really, are to honor each person we encounter. Of course, we are SUPPOSED to do so. Each human is always, already loved by God. Yet, our journey speaks to the hard work of the Christian life, loving those whom we may feel are unlovable and by whom we have been hurt or abandoned. To do this work, we pray for those from whom we are estranged, asking for guidance, insight, a spirit of forgiveness, and perhaps intervention to move each party beyond estrangement. We also pray for strength to carry on with peace, direction, and even joyfulness in our lives when estrangements continue unresolved. It is a process. It is not easy.

All our growth in understanding estrangements can help us in our genealogy journeys, as well, as we uncover historical events or findings about ancestors; as we are in contact with new cousins through research or DNA; and as we communicate our findings to our immediate and extended families. We certainly want to recognize social injustices, pain, and harm and not excuse or whitewash them. Hurtful historical events impacted the lives of those who lived them and those who followed.

As we move through the world, may we do so with grace, kindness, and an open perspective for the lives of those we meet, past and present. Doing so provides a path toward resolution and reconciliation, if it may be so.