Tag: Reconciliation

A Mosaic Approach to Healing From Estrangements (6/6)

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A sea glass mosaic dragon in progress…***

Recent world events have me thinking again about how distant people have become from each other…distant from their prior accustomed social circles… churches, families, neighborhoods, schools, friendships. Check my earlier posts in this estrangement series, if you have not already, for discussions about alienation and estrangements and the many causes, impacts, and permutations.

We have spent time discussing the pain of estrangements and how difficult they can be, regardless of where one is in the estranged space. There often is a tendency to want things fixed sooner rather than later, and expectations often are all-or-nothing…and sometimes, to have it “fixed” yesterday. What if there is another way forward that we have not considered before? Rather than all-or-nothing approaches and expectations, regardless of where you are within an estranged situation, consider whether MOSAICS can show another way to move to a better space.

I am a fan of mosaics. Visualize a large piece of art or image which, upon closer inspection, is made of smaller pieces, maybe dime-sized or smaller. Mosaics may be made of glass, jewels, metals, stones, paper, cloth, guitar picks, or pretty much any other object you can fathom. You also may have seen large images that are made of tiny mosaic pieces that are tiny photographs of non- or semi-related subjects.

Abstract mosaic based upon color and directionality

Often children or art students experience mosaic projects in their art classes, or as kits gifted or purchased. The finished items can become wall art or stepping stones.

In travels, wonderful mosaic creations are destinations of awe. One remarkable location is The Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis. It is the *new* basilica in St. Louis, Missouri, not the original edifice on the Mississippi River. Many of the spaces within the cathedral feature glass mosaic installations by over twelve artists, including Tiffany Studios, each artist designing a specific room or area. With the right light, the mosaic images are spectacular and inspiring, whether viewed at close range, or at the highest expanse of the interior dome.

A example of a basilica installation. Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
A basilica mosaic starts with small pieces, fit onto a cartoon of a designed image. Design can occur with many inspirations and methods. At the essence is the single mosaic piece.

One of my favorite experiences with mosaic has been to rescue a beloved object that has broken and to refashion it as an art piece. Sometimes there is nothing to do but throw away broken glass. The object may be so fractured into such small pieces or dangerous shards that the pieces cannot be safely repurposed. If one is fortunate, the broken pieces can be gathered safely, placed artistically, and mounted onto a base that can be framed, using forms of adhesive and grout to secure the items so that we can visually enjoy them again.

Created from broken fragments of a small, gifted Japanese teapot

Similarly, found-glass fragments can be collected, whether from clearing an old building site, an attic, a cellar, or estate sales. One can find vintage pieces, from broken medicine bottles, jars, stoneware, glassware, or china. Each piece has a story. If the items are from your past or the past of people you know, you sense the story that they hold. More often, the fragments’ origin stories are lost to time. Still, these antique items can be used as mosaic pieces to fashion a larger piece, either strictly for decorative use, or for practical use, including coasters, hotplates, or garden installations. The idea of lost, broken pieces from the past, composing an integrated piece of art that speaks to us, truly, is a special, inspiring act of creativity.

Some found objects and glass, joys to locate, with potential for a larger creation

I recently, evidently late-to-the-party, came across a technique for making mosaic designs from isometric graph paper, which features equilateral triangles. The technique is in common use among some quilters and other fiber artists who design three-dimensional effects. Colored pencils are applied to individual triangles on two-dimensional paper, the colors used to indicate shading and highlight of shapes. It is you, the artist, who makes the choices required to bring the flat images into 3-D relief. The choices are boundless/unlimited. Practically, the grids are translated to mechanisms to bring a fabric or item to life. For us, the practice shows how our mind can move pieces around just with our perspective and ideas. Each *piece* or triangle is important, and can be a part of something bigger, depending upon our perspective and inspiration.

Isometric patterns emerge with patience and colored pencil

So, these ideas inspire me as I think about estrangement and reconciliation.

Part of the inspiration comes from awareness of the wonder in acquiring one mosaic piece, not only as an object individually, but for its potential. After all… I suppose, technically, a piece is just a piece. It is only a MOSAIC piece through its potential to be acquired and given a place in a larger arrangement in which it is but one component.

What if, wherever one is within an estrangement–whether the one who estranged, the one from whom the other estranged, family/friends of the estranged parties, or one who is in the middle–one finds it possible to engage with the other briefly in a safe way…a friendly exchange, a congratulations, a birthday greeting. Maybe that’s it. No more. It is one element, one mosaic piece. Or, what if another, neutral but loving and concerned friend or family member within the situation provides support to you in some way, validating your sadness or anxiety, giving you reassurance and expressing concern? Well, that’s another mosaic piece. Maybe that’s it. No more. Perhaps you start to notice that you feel a little, tiny bit better about things, maybe some relief? Maybe some safety? Hmm. That’s another mosaic piece. Maybe that’s it. No more. Or, maybe it’s easier to pray about the situation with a little bit more positivity and genuine love. Yes, you guessed it…another mosaic piece. Any of these or other situations can occur individually or sequentially, and any positive or lateral movement is something to be noticed and accepted.

So, mosaic pieces, in this case, come as a surprise, a gift. They are NON-LINEAR–one does not necessarily lead to another, and if another piece arises, it may have nothing to do with the first one. When you receive the gift of a mosaic piece, you accept it, as best you can, and try to not flip into an all-or-nothing stance… of needing to single-handedly wish/compel a full reconciliation. In a way, accepting mosaic pieces is a way to describe the fact that we are in a situation over which we have very little control.

“So, mosaic pieces, in this case, come as a surprise, a gift.”

Sea glass inspiration

The key is the openness to the experience and seeing the non-linearity. You do NOT have to totally open the door just because you accepted a mosaic piece that you find hopeful or helpful.

“You do NOT have to totally open the door just because you accepted a mosaic piece that you find hopeful or helpful.”

Once you discover more mosaic pieces, you may find that they come to you from different estrangement experiences that are not connected in any way. Maybe you attend a reunion and discover information that is healing. Maybe from a memorial service you connect with a mutual acquaintance of the deceased. You have a conversation with a friend or trusted person that gives insight into a situation that broadens your perspective and softens your heart. Any of these experiences were not sought by you, and they perhaps were directly related to your estrangement experience. They likely come as total surprises to you. Yet, the insights from these singular events can apply to the big picture, including the estrangement. And each experience is another gift of a mosaic piece in your growing acquisition.

Another analogy is that as you collect one mosaic piece, you place them as you consider layout. In doing so, a larger picture emerges, based upon hints or features of the pieces you amass. Mosaic pieces’ size, shading, and detailing hint toward a larger view and inspire a comprehensive arrangement. The same approach applies to emotional and intellectual mosaic pieces. As you consider them individually and in totality, you will integrate the concepts and experiences. Consideration can occur through contemplation, journaling, conversation, art, or music. All of these processes can take time, and likely they will shift with time, which is a normal growth and healing process.

“The key is the openness to the experience and seeing the non-linearity.”

Now I want to add a twist to the mosaic analogy. Depending upon your situation, the mosaic perspective is a tool to CREATE a solution to a particular dilemma. If, for example, you are in crisis, yet you are estranged from those who do care about you, is there a way you can find someone, an intermediary, to create a safe way to communicate your status and receive a modicum of support? Maybe a P.O. Box for notes exchanged? Maybe a blog for posting updates? Intermediaries sometimes create private Facebook Groups for rallying around a person in crisis, including illness or grief, and these are monitored/facilitated pages that can be a safe place to communicate. It can be relieving and healing to know that you can create mosaics as bridges toward connection while maintaining boundaries and safety.* A psychologist or trusted pastor may be helpful in creating such a mosaic or mosaic piece that would be safe for you.**

With this pen for perspective, example of how two tiny rocks found separately, each a pleasing shape, fit together nicely. Just two objects… all that is needed for this array.

Mosaic pieces, whether objects or experiences, are bits that we can accept when they come our way. As we collect them, we begin arranging them in ways that, if nothing else, help us to cultivate a sense of peace, healing, and compassion, allowing us to move forward in our progress toward wholeness. As lovely as large mosaic works may be, even small, meaningful ones may be all that we need for our peace.

May you find yourself open to seeing mosaic pieces as they arise in your life and to receiving comfort from them.

The concave edges for the circular “O” were an inspiration for this piece.***

*As always, individuals need to take into consideration their actual safety and should maintain necessary physical and emotional protection. Even in situations requiring significant boundary maintenance, mosaic concepts can be used for internal healing and reconciliation work.

**A recent article in the New York Times underscores what apparently is a troubling trend with “therapists” using TikTok for advocating estrangements from family, “Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?” Ellen Barry, New York Times, Published July 14, 2024, Updated July 17, 2024. While the trend ostensibly is strictly for people in abusive situations, the worry about the trend is several-fold: 1) The article stresses, correctly, the idea that therapists should not be telling clients what to do… boundaries are for patients to set. 2) TikTok videos about any mental health situation lack individual consultation and considerations, setting people up to assume a diagnosis or to take *advice* that should not apply to them. 3) The trend smacks of one-size-fits-all treatments which can contribute to much harm regarding individuals’ understanding of their situation and lacking the nuance and individuality each person deserves. 4) The article suggests the trend promotes a sweeping praise for and assumption of estrangement as beneficial. In fact, most people, in most situations, can establish healthy boundaries; improve communication; and empower individuation without the need for estrangement, even if they have episodes that are bumps in the road in their relationships with their friends and family. A good takeaway from the article is that each of us should guard against any feel-good trend, whether from a book/article/video/social media post/expert who advocates estrangement as a quick-fix for your mental health. Get second/third opinions, and understand all of your options and that situations/people are dynamic throughout one’s lifespan. Estrangements are not without serious negative risks for all involved. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/14/health/therapy-family-estrangement.html?unlocked_article_code=1.-k0.poJa.QXgEL44FIWUq&smid=url-share

***Special thanks to the student artists who contributed to this blog with their inspiration and artistry.

Moving Forward 5/6

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I am writing this during Christmastide, a good time to remember that if you are in an estrangement you are not alone. As I considered this summary installment, a jewel of an inspiration for our conclusion appeared in a 2019 holiday movie– Last Christmas, with screenplay by Emma Thompson and Bryony Kimmings. The starring actors are Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding, Emma Thompson, and Michelle Yeoh. It probably is categorized in the Christmas romantic comedy genre… but I think it is much more than that. The beginning is a little rough, not the typical romantic comedy, because Clarke’s character Kate is experiencing so many self-imposed hardships. Romantic comedies are supposed to be feel-good, right?

It really was not until the conclusion of the movie that I realized that it was a microcosm of estrangement and (mini-spoiler-alert) resolution. (Not much of a spoiler alert, because it is, after all, a Christmas romantic comedy, and you know it has to work itself out eventually, right?)

There is so very much in this movie to perfectly illustrate, in movie-fashion, many of the various elements of estrangement that we have discussed. It is lovely because initially Kate seems quite unaware of the nature of the mess she is in, and as the movie progresses, the viewer, and she, get a better sense of the various historical factors and interactions contributing to her current actions, those of others, and how the interactions have created her various estrangements. The nature of her insights and how she deals with them are what make the movie.

I am not going to spoil the movie for you. I know that life does not work itself out in the timeframe of a full-length movie; I know that many estrangements do not have happy endings in the fairy-tale way that we often wish would occur. But I do think there are cues in this movie that we can carry with us to hope for resolutions for our relationships and for ourselves, as they are possible, and those I can share with you:

  • Have a measure of humility and, if possible, willingness for insights, no matter how difficult. It is hard to admit when we have made mistakes and to take ownership of those mistakes. Self-awareness can help us grow, and discussing our shortcomings during conflict resolution also gives permission for others to do the same.
  • Do your best to see beyond the estranged person’s current or past behavior that has come between you. Expanding beyond your hurt to see possibilities impacting the other’s behavior to understand their story and perspective can help you. You may find a broader understanding of the person, which can lead to feelings of compassion and empathy and open paths of communication you did not previously see and consider.
  • In light of the above considerations, think of, and perhaps try, different ways of interacting with the situation or person(s) involved, using shifted expectations to try to get a different level or quality of interaction between the two of you.
  • Do your best to get out of your head, which can cause you to just look inward and engage in self-pity. If you stay in a victim position, your thoughts and actions will worsen your situation. Help others, show compassion, be kind, find a passion in giving of your time to others (with appropriate boundaries, of course!)
  • Be willing to ask for help and to discuss your sadness, concerns, or doubts with someone you trust, including trained professionals. These steps can facilitate your self-awareness, help you learn to articulate what you are feeling, encourage self-forgiveness, and allow for expanded insight.

Do take into consideration all the caveats we covered in earlier installments of this series, including need for self-protection and boundaries.

Christians, and everyone, really, are to honor each person we encounter. Of course, we are SUPPOSED to do so. Each human is always, already loved by God. Yet, our journey speaks to the hard work of the Christian life, loving those whom we may feel are unlovable and by whom we have been hurt or abandoned. To do this work, we pray for those from whom we are estranged, asking for guidance, insight, a spirit of forgiveness, and perhaps intervention to move each party beyond estrangement. We also pray for strength to carry on with peace, direction, and even joyfulness in our lives when estrangements continue unresolved. It is a process. It is not easy.

All our growth in understanding estrangements can help us in our genealogy journeys, as well, as we uncover historical events or findings about ancestors; as we are in contact with new cousins through research or DNA; and as we communicate our findings to our immediate and extended families. We certainly want to recognize social injustices, pain, and harm and not excuse or whitewash them. Hurtful historical events impacted the lives of those who lived them and those who followed.

As we move through the world, may we do so with grace, kindness, and an open perspective for the lives of those we meet, past and present. Doing so provides a path toward resolution and reconciliation, if it may be so.

Multi-Generational Trauma Impacting Estrangement (4/6)

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So far, we looked at estrangement from several angles. We looked at it from the perspective of one who needs to estrange from another; from that of one who experiences that someone dear to them has pulled away; the particular difficulty when the reasons for estrangement are partially or totally unclear; and the confusion of being in-the-middle between estranged parties.

Today let’s look at another factor that may be invisible to any or all of the estranged parties. That factor is a trauma that occurred in one or both families of the parties one or more generations prior to their birth. These traumatic events may be referred to generational, inter-generational, trans-generational, or multi-generational trauma, expressing that a significant trauma experienced in one generation can impact the lives of those in succeeding generations.

As you read today’s blog entry, be aware that the topic of multi-generational trauma in our estrangement discussion was planned from the outset of the series as a result of genealogical findings and experiences. As the horrors of current and recent events have unfolded, there are too many examples of the trauma close at hand. While these current traumas are direct examples for us to consider, they are not the focus of our discussion. The emphasis here is upon the need to be aware of the potential for the presence of multi-generational trauma within any estrangement, even if it is invisible or not consciously known by any or all of the parties involved.

While this post is not meant to be an authoritative, academic investigation of the phenomenon of multi-generational trauma, it is worthwhile to look at the concept; ways it can be viewed; how it can apply to us and those we love; and what it can mean for our future, outcomes, and happiness.

On the one hand, that a trauma will affect future generations of offspring can seem very intuitive. If a war breaks out and if a family’s safety is threatened, they evacuate, experience bloodshed, barely escape, and find safe harbor in another country, never to see their homeland again, that is traumatic. It is traumatic to each person who experienced the trauma, whether adults or children. If there is physical harm to any of the parties and/or if there is significant loss of financial stability, there is impact upon each family member. Are parents available to care for the children; are the children able to get their education; are any family members further victimized due to their tenuous situation? Any of these, or other, consequences of the trauma create impact in addition to the original, first trauma.

Even children who are born after this traumatic event may suffer from the impacts of the trauma. They may be born into poverty; parents may be focused upon providing for physical needs of the family and unable to attend to them otherwise. There may well be post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) impacting the mood and availability of the adults, with possible additional secondary substance abuse or other addiction impacting the individual and family system.

These issues alone, situational and emotional, can lead to a domino effect in successive generations for risk for disease, educational opportunity, and ability to procure employment.

Even if we just look at emotional issues with a bit of a magnifying glass– what impact would the trauma have upon a surviving parent’s emotional health and ability to parent secure, healthy children? At risk for the children are attachment, trust, security, appropriate emotional expression, risk for fear of abandonment, the ability to maintain stable relationships across time, and skills in healthy conflict resolution. Problems in any of these important elements of human development can contribute to potential for relationship problems, future ability to parent, and risk for estrangement later in life.

Potential Cellular Changes?

Emerging science, as yet not fully understood, reveals that trauma can impact how our DNA is carried in our bodies and transmitted to our offspring. Yes, really. The concept is called epigenetics, and the basic premise is that when one experiences significant trauma, it can impact one’s biology in a way that impacts one’s genes’ ability to be expressed or to function as intended.

There is a fair amount of evidence that Trauma (and the capital T is intentional, to differentiate from trauma with a small t*) impacts our biology. When we are under siege, our body is in full-on alert, and all systems are activated to fight or flee for our lives. That is how we have survived thousands of generations on earth, rampant with fires, floods, and wild animals. In addition to natural dangers, humans have succeeded in finding all kinds of horrors to which we can expose each other. Some horrors are unintentional by well-meaning but misdirected people. There are children who were reared in eras with peculiar “how to raise your child” directives that were meant to be cutting-edge instructions for parents to raise the perfect children. Of course, wars and unspeakable cruelty of all sorts by broken, power-hungry, and evil people and systems wreak horrible Trauma, whether sudden and brief or prolonged.

Please know that Trauma or trauma, while impactful, does not have to be experienced by anyone as necessarily something that individuals cannot overcome. During an ongoing Trauma or trauma, it can help if one can have periods, even brief ones, to withdraw to a place of calm, physically or mentally, to bring down pulse and respiratory rate. Additionally, it helps during, or afterward, to express emotions through talk, writing, any art form and to have connection with others. When people can be in a safe place with appropriate support, there are treatments and modalities that can be very impactful in supporting an individual’s ability to survive, heal, and thrive despite the trauma. That is not to minimize the trauma, however, which does impact one’s life and turns to a different direction, one way or another.

We are interconnected. Clockworks, Monymusk, Scotland, UK

Sources of Trauma and Ability to Identify

For our purposes, understanding our relationships with others, especially through the eyes of a genealogist, it is important to know that trauma can be an invisible element of broken connections. Even for traumas that are historically documented in newspapers or books, the trauma may not be known to us because the family did not talk about it. Other traumas are not to be found in newspaper articles or books, because they were private occurrences, likely borne as secrets.

Generational traumas against ethnic groups are significant issues indeed. While there are commonalities among individuals experiencing ethnic targeting or ethnic cleansing, there also are specific impacts informed by the specific story and circumstances of the impacted ethnic group, whether First Americans, African American enslaved, Jewish, Ukrainian, Palestinian, or other groups. The associated situations, dangers, and threats would impact each family.

Trauma can be visible as an event known to have occurred, such as harm or displacement during a war; the physical impact of a natural disaster such as a major tornado, hurricane, flood, or wildfire; or accident such as a car, train, or airplane crash or urban fire.

The source of trauma also can be invisible to outsiders. Invisible traumas include displacement from war or conflict accompanied by avoidance of affiliation with one’s ethnic group–passing as a member of another ethnic group in order to survive; bearing the burden of a secret assault; carrying an untimely or unwanted pregnancy; and secretly experiencing violence or family substance abuse at home. In past eras, having a family member with significant mental illness was kept secret.

Individual Differences in Experiencing Trauma

It is important to realize that even with the SAME trauma, not all people, regardless of whether they are children or adults, will experience, react, or process the trauma in the same way.

Repression and Denial. To not recall a particularly horrible Trauma is an unconscious defense mechanism. It is not unusual to find that someone has repressed an abusive or traumatic assault. Additionally, not talking about an event, even if they do recall it, may be required for an individual to function, due to the pain/fear/shame associated with the event.

Shame and Guilt. While children are particularly prone to internalizing traumas and incorrectly seeing themselves as responsible for negative outcomes, adults certainly also engage in self-blame. When there is additional change in status or power, victimization by abusers, or denial of one’s self or culture, there is additional shame and guilt likely to be present in survivors of the trauma.

Fear for Safety. Sometimes the original trauma is problematic for the individual because there is fear for the safety of themselves and/or their family. The danger may be from the perpetrator, someone else who may punish the victim should it be discovered, or family conflict or violence if the situation were to be discovered.

Loss of Family or *Institutional* Knowledge. Sometimes the victim has died, leaving a young child who either does not know or does not understand the event, so the story is not passed down. Even when the parent survives, physical or emotional conditions can impact that parent’s ability or desire to communicate, not only the occurrence of the trauma, but even the broader picture of the family’s story/culture/history.

Our ancestry and family stories extend back so many generations! Edinburgh, Scotland, UK

Why Does Generational Trauma Matter in Estrangement?

In the course of doing our genealogy, it is inevitable that we will run across an ancestor, either ours and/or an ancestor of a cousin, who has behaved badly. How badly the specific ancestor behaved can be across a spectrum, with the worst extreme being horrible, injurious behavior or unexplained, devastating abandonment. How do we understand this person and his/her impact?

In no way do we wish to condone or excuse the bad behavior, but as researchers, we are looking for the truth and to understand the story in the broadest, most informed perspective possible. Someone who has acted this badly may well be someone who experienced an abuse or trauma by someone, somewhere. If we keep that fact in mind as we do our research, we may find bigger pieces to the puzzle that put the individual’s behavior in context and expand our understanding of their family, community, or micro culture. Interviewing descendants; newspaper searches; court records; and church records can be sources of this information, along with DNA evidence.

In my experience, it is not at all uncommon to see an impact of the problematic or troubled ancestor, whether a more recent kin, such as parent or grandparent, or a more distant ancestor, upon the lives or behavior of the descendants. Examples include poor self-esteem; over-controlling or limited involvement in parenting; emotional dysregulation; difficulties with anxiety and depression; a tendency to cut others off (estrangement??) as an alternative to the hard work of conflict resolution; over-focus upon somatic symptoms as unconscious expression of anxiety or depression; excessive and injurious minimization/avoidance/humor/deflection to avoid connection, intimacy, or communication. Likely, all of these response styles are unconscious on the part of the bad actor. NOTE: These characteristics or behaviors DO NOT prove existence of trauma. I only intend to encourage you to show grace in your response to family members who may have these symptoms or tendencies and realize that it is POSSIBLE the the symptoms may have a more complicated history or origin, reaching back generations, than even they know.

Detail of ancient wall, Isle of Iona, Scotland, UK

A Measure of Humility or

You Think You Already Know, but Do You Really?

Wait, wait– what if the current estrangement is with a sibling, a cousin, an offspring, or someone we “know.” We share their history, their DNA, and to our knowledge there is no generational trauma… therefore, our loved one cannot be suffering from generational trauma. Otherwise, we would know it. Right?

NO. You cannot make that blanket assumption. Here are reasons you cannot assume that you know.

Even if you share DNA ancestors, you did not inherit identical autosomal DNA, even with full siblings. In that case, if there were epigenetic DNA changes as a consequence of trauma, each of you may have a different DNA heritage.

You inherit different things from each ancestor, which also explains different eye and hair color, facial features, and personality. And those inherited characteristics also make each person’s experience unique.

Each person’s personality responds differently to the same parenting.

Even siblings have different histories that impact them, including birth order; how each family adult interacts with them; educational exposures; peer exposures.

AND you may not know your full history yet. Imagine the shock of being 50 years old before discovering that your grandparent is an adult child of an alcoholic, discovered when the grandparent and their siblings start talking freely about their childhood, in unfiltered discussion in your presence. Suddenly, with this new information, the family dynamics make sense in this new light!

Or suppose new DNA findings show a different ethnicity from what you thought you were. The new finding can put a familiar family story into a new light or context and point to generational trauma and its impact across several generations that you now can plot? One example is former U.N. Ambassador Madeline Albright who, at 60 years of age, discovered her Jewish and holocaust ancestry and family history when it was printed in an article about her in 1997!

Even increased insights into yourself as you mature and understand the world better can help you piece together family histories, personalities, and tendencies that show family complications and complexities you never realized existed. There is a benefit to maturity.

We have so many ancestors… we will never know all of our relevant histories and what has impacted our personalities and lives. So, we are naive if we think we know it all.

In Conclusion

We must understand that where there has been an estrangement, there may also be a significant generational trauma history. That trauma, whether in our ancestry; in the ancestry or recent history of the other person in our current, personal estrangement; or in both can unconsciously impact perspectives, reactions, and behaviors in significant ways. Even understanding the POTENTIAL for the existence of a recent or generational trauma can create the beginnings of a thaw in the the relationship and openings for renewed connection.

William Williams

* Trauma with a capital T typically denotes a significant, recognizable event in which one perceives risk to life, while trauma with a small t represents a more sustained, possibly less visible, but no less impactful event or series of events, such as ongoing emotional abuse.”* Trauma with a capital T typically denotes a significant, recognizable event in which one perceives risk to life, while trauma with a small t represents a more sustained, possibly less visible, but no less impactful event or series of events, such as ongoing emotional abuse.

Resources

Multiple Resources for Stress and Trauma, American Psychological Association, apa.org

DeAngelis, Tori, “War’s Enduring Legacy: How Does Trauma Haunt Future Generations?” American Psychological Association, Oct 12, 2023, https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/trauma-survivors-generations

Zimmerman, Rachel, “How Does Trauma Spill From One Generation to the Next?” The Washington Post, June 12, 2023, https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/06/12/generational-trauma-passed-healing/

Estrangements… What Do We Do About Them? Barriers or Gates? 1/6

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An estrangement feels like a chasm that cannot be bridged. Photo–All Rights Reserved.

The longer you live, and/or the longer you are a genealogist, the more likely you are to encounter an individual who has become estranged from their family of origin. How we think about estrangement impacts how we proceed. The difference we can make in the lives of others and/or their descendants can be profound, for better, or for worse. I want to challenge your ideas about estrangement and ways to move forward, not only for the benefit of those you encounter in your genealogy work, but also through your extended families, your friends or colleagues, and possibly for your family of origin and yourself.

Note: This article combines the scores (surely a hundred and more) of examples which I have experienced mostly in my professional and genealogical lives with a smattering of personal experiences. If you think you specifically recognize my examples, I think you do not, and I would refer you to the song “You’re So Vain…You Probably Think This Song Is About You,” Carly Simon, 1971. It’s worth a listen, anyway!

After walking alongside many, many individuals on all sides of estrangement, I feel I have been given a perspective that is worth sharing. Still, I certainly do not know everything. As we talk about estrangement, I will not address the issue of abduction or kidnapping followed by indoctrination, which would be a more specific sort of estrangement by individuals experiencing a unique form of victimization. Rather this article is to address estrangements by individuals who act of their own volition, although it is possible that there is a gray area that blurs the two distinctions. This is particularly true in cultures in which there is limited free press and there are fascistic elements meant to divide communities and families for political or economic benefit of those in power, or cultures that practice significant oppression of women or minorities as a matter of course.

Additionally, there are aspects, causes, and impacts of estrangement that others have experienced that I have not addressed in this piece. The fact that I have not addressed all types and circumstances is testament to my point that the issue of estrangement is quite broad, with many unique circumstances and factors, yet issues and perspectives for coping, approaching, and addressing can be useful across the variants.

In this first in a series of 4 installments, I will talk about the concepts of estrangement vs. boundaries and the different ways people may experience them. In subsequent installments, we will look at how we address estrangements, based upon our situation; the concept of multigenerational trauma and its impacts; and genealogists as potential agents of change and healing.

As humans, we are meant to connect with each other. Photo by Charlotta Fay Williams. All Rights Reserved.

As a child, my parents told me that I had a cousin, with whom my older cousins, aunts, and uncles had at one point been very close, who had married in another state hundreds of miles away; and who had basically ceased contact with his parents. “It was because his wife did not like…” something, I was told. I was too young to remember this older cousin, but I still felt impact of the break. I loved my aunt, and I could not imagine her pain of being separated from her son. My family was close, I thought.

My family was so close that later when my brother was overseas on peacetime duty in the military, I imagined that he was very lonely all the time, so much did I miss him. How could he stand being away from all of us who love him, especially during holiday celebrations? I later came to understand that his overseas experience, for him, was fun, liberating, and an adventure. But, of course, he was not estranged; rather, he was still connected to the family by phone and letter, and many years later he would return to live near his family of origin. I underscore that the notion of true estrangement from family seemed rare and almost unexplainable to me for many years.

Now, as an adult, I have an expanded view of estrangement. Work experiences and connections, family experiences, and dealing with my personal reactions to estrangement inform my perspectives. My writing is to encourage readers to open their hearts and perspectives in their understanding of individuals and/or families experiencing estrangement. Almost assuredly, in the course of genealogy one will come across individuals impacted in some way by estrangement, either directly or indirectly, from prior generations Your sensitivity to these individuals and their imminent or remnant pain and loss can prove validating, affirming, and possibly healing in ways you may never know.

Estrangement is defined as alienation, or a separation from family or social contact and affection. Typically, estrangement is unexpected and unwanted by those from whom an individual becomes estranged. The estrangement also can be unexpected and unwanted by those estranging themselves from their loved ones. While there can be similarities and generalities across cases, there are many individual, unique situations. Others have written extensively about estrangement, so I do not present a scientific or complete analysis of the phenomenon here, but underscore from a personal perspective the wide array of individuals’ experiences, viewpoints, and responses and ways we can respond appropriately.

Healthy Boundaries

Before we talk about estrangement, it is important to say a word about boundaries. We should all have boundaries, which we might define as spaces to give ourselves authority over our choices, beliefs, whom we marry, career choices, money and living choices, and how we rear our children. Cultures vary in terms of how, when, and how much independence we give our children and family members. It is typical that adolescent transition to adulthood is fraught with tension with parents regarding setting these boundaries, discussing them, and respect for them. We always hope that children and their adults work their way through these tensions. Sometimes they do not, or sometimes they do not until later in life. Happily, most families develop an ability to set boundaries effectively, parents with children and adult children, and siblings with each other. Not having a large immediate family of origin, I was always amazed watching friends who would spar with their siblings, particularly in large families; declare they were *done* with them; then a few months later or less, have worked out their differences, carrying on as best friends. Sometimes this meant not discussing certain topics, or agreeing to disagree, but they seemed to find areas of commonality and community to continue the relationships. Finding ways to set boundaries and make them work across time is an ongoing process of families, friends, colleagues, and neighbors.

A recent observation regarding boundaries is the importance of being allowed to grow and change one’s mind, goals, and opinions. There is a remarkable tendency, perhaps especially in today’s era of online presence, to assess others and hold them *accountable* for their actions, statements, and even identity, chastising any change in position. As an example, I have known individuals who decide to become physically fit; modify to a healthful diet; and implement an active lifestyle, receive huge negative blowback and obstacles from their family members and friends. Derision at family meals; accusations (unfounded) of having an eating disorder; and harsh, critical statements can be crushing, as though designed to force the individual back into the depressed, ill, unhealthful state where they began.

If you are the one setting boundaries for yourself, especially if you are striking a position that may be different from what others expect, it is good to know that there is a somewhat normal, though often frustrating, societal pressure to keep you where folks are accustomed to experiencing you. Seek support, as you need, from those who will give you positive support, even seeking professional help as an option. If, on the other hand, you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, possibly envious, that someone in your sphere is seeking to set a path that is different from your expectations and is setting boundaries to achieve their goal, avoid criticism. Recognize that seeking to give others the space to change and grow is not always easy…partly because their changes probably cause us uncomfortable re-evaluation of our beliefs and actions?

Individuals whose loved one has become estranged–

A fairly total block of communication and connection was my first exposure or experience to estrangement, as I mentioned in my opening, with my beloved family member in pain due to distance from a beloved son. Across time, I became aware of many complex situations that cause fractures in relationships.

  • An adult child with severe mental illness, off medication, who suddenly disappears from the community and discontinues contact for months at a time
  • A divorced parent being (in this case) almost certainly falsely accused of child abuse by an avenging and unstable ex-spouse involved in a custody dispute, resulting in the child being restricted from seeing the parent, sometimes for years
  • Siblings experiencing anger and disagreements resulting from parental divorce, death, remarriage, or addiction
  • Individuals whose child, sibling, or parent marries an individual with significant mental health issues, diagnosed or undiagnosed

In the listed situations, disagreements, misunderstandings, differences of opinion may be magnified to the point of rupture. In other cases, actual or perceived acts of injustice, uncaring, or breaches of trust have occurred. In some situations, distorted thinking such as paranoia or thoughts of persecution are part of the picture, negatively impacting the ability to deal with others in a reality-based, rational manner.

Individuals who feel a need to set a boundary so firm as to estrange themselves from one or more family members or friends–

When one attempts to set a boundary, but their boundary is not respected or is continually breached, one may, in fact, need to establish a boundary that is so firm it is or becomes an estrangement. Here are examples of dire situations that would constitute a need for a break in a relationship:

  • Ceasing contact with a recurrently abusive relationship, with a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or other individual
  • Dealing with a parent who repeatedly inappropriately injects themselves into an adult child’s parenting, marital relationship, or career (even inappropriately calling the child’s boss to correct or advocate for the adult child)
  • Disconnecting from monetary influence of a parent or ex-spouse who is using money or control of trust fund to influence career, marital choice, or education plans, either to protect self or the interests of oneself or one’s dependent children
  • Needing protection from family members engaging in behavior considered harmful to the individual and the individual’s children, such as drug abuse; criminal behavior; argumentative, abusive and/or aggressive physical outbursts

Note that in some families, teenagers and even adult children may lack the ability to set an effective “normal” boundary with a parent, due to family dynamic; culture; or individual personality. In those cases, sometimes people feel a need to estrange themselves from their family in order to effectively individuate. One hopes that in time there will be a path forward to re-engagement with the family when newfound assertiveness and self-confidence, along with respect of the family members, can allow for reconciliation with appropriate boundaries set and enacted.

Bystanders, friends, and family members, many who know the individuals on both sides of the estrangement–

It is painful to watch and experience an unfolding or ongoing estrangement as a family member or friend of someone involved in a direct case of estrangement. Knowing how to react is tricky…there are potential repercussions that can negatively impact the situation. Here are some of the considerations:

  • Whether there is potential danger to you as a bystander, either emotionally or physically
  • How closely connected or related you are to either party
  • Likelihood that your emotional response to the situation, angry/hurt, and degree of reaction, could impact your judgement in responding effectively and with measure
  • Balancing your ability to be a conduit for reconnection vs. the risk of being a conduit of hurt or disinformation
  • A stance of either side accusing you of “taking sides” with the other… “either you are with me, or you are against me.

Complications

There are many issues, seen and unseen, that can impact or contribute to a stance of estrangement.

  • Trauma and loss, especially at an early age, particularly of a parent/sibling/child
  • Verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, either recognized or hidden, by anyone within or outside the sphere of the family or community
  • Differences in life circumstances including educational paths, economic opportunities
  • Decisions or experiences which lead to taking a different cultural path of the family of origin
  • Experiencing a reality that places one at odds with culture of origin, including sexual identity or orientation, career path, religious affiliation, and/or marital partner choice
  • Health issues across all spectrums, diagnosed and undiagnosed, resulting in a variety of needs and expectations, sometimes limiting abilities to respond and engage

Each of the above issues can be looked at through the additional lens of trauma. Consider that trauma is a unique event or series of events perceived by an individual as significantly threatening their lives or safety. Traumas have real, neurobiological impact, and the traumas are not always easy for others to see. As a consequence of trauma, victims may respond to situations or people in ways that are different from how they would normally respond. Trauma can affect victims in many ways, including how they respond to future events, physically and behaviorally. If you do not know that the other person with whom you share an estrangement divide is a trauma victim, regardless of where you sit on the estrangement divide, you will not understand how the trauma victim sees the situation in question. In other words, the person who initiated the estrangement may not know that the person from whom they are estranging is a victim of trauma; conversely, the family member or friend from whom the individual has estranged themselves may have an unseen or unrecognized trauma. Actually, both can be true simultaneously!

As Whitney Marris, Director of Practice and System Transformation at Campaign for Trauma-Informed Policy and Practice1, has said, rather than wondering about the other person, “What is wrong with them?” consider thinking “I wonder what happened to them?” The latter perspective allows curiosity and an open stance to communicate rather than a closed or defensive stance.

Disconnection–

I want to add another category– disconnection from family. It helps to see disconnection through the lens of genealogy. If you do DNA genealogy, you find that you have cousin “matches,” that is, people with whom you share DNA inheritance, many of whom you do not know, and many you do not even know yet how you are related– that is, which ancestral couples you share with each of these DNA-found cousins. As an example, let us say that a third cousin in my matches shares with me an ancestral couple who are 2nd great-grandparents to each of us. That means that our great-grandparents were siblings. Maybe those siblings were great buddies… so how in the world did this cousin and I become disconnected? Siblings may more away from each other, or their children may move away from the community or state, possibly moving across country. Kids often lose contact with their parents’ friends or cousins after the elders die, unless that family is in close proximity and the relationships are nurtured. Marriages, early deaths, remarriages, lack of things in common… lots of things can fracture the close bond of families, without their being an estrangement.

Adoption of a baby, of course, is a special case, but it also clearly is an example of how a person can lose all connection with biological family immediately, in most cases, historically. Early deaths of a parent and the family changes that follow also frequently can increase the likelihood of relatively early disconnection from extended family, such as first cousins. As generations move along, it becomes more typical to be disconnected from our 2nd and 3rd cousins. In many cases there are so many of them, and they have become much more geographically scattered.

Of course, any estrangement along the way most certainly will cause a disconnection of offspring of one family from the family of the other.

Through genealogy, reconnecting with a cousin who may be totally disconnected from any family, or from your line of the family, is an opportunity to proceed to reconnect. In these cases of disconnection, it is always good to be cautious that there could be an estrangement somewhere in the family tree that may need to be recognized and addressed in some way. In later blog installments, we will circle back around to genealogical disconnections and estrangements.

Next steps–

Truthfully, we may never know the cause of some estrangements, especially when the break is sudden, and the estranging individual does not share their concerns or reasons. It is a terribly hard place to sit, with huge emotional reactions, not knowing why, and not knowing what comes next.

In the next installment, we will talk about next steps… The main thing at this stage is not to give up hope, but also avoid doing anything, from your perspective, that would make a break. We cannot know the future. But a hopeful thought– it is true that estrangements sometimes do become resolved. A wise person recently reminded me that it takes two to reconcile… but in the meanwhile, as you wait and consider next steps, it is prudent to avoid making statements or engaging in activities that would drive a wider wedge or cause an irreparable break, if that is possible… see the boundary section above as you also protect yourself.

1ctipp.org accessed 3/2023